"Asking First" with Mike Domitrz

Sexual Assault Survivors and Blogs

Blogs are becoming a wonderful forum for survivors of sexual assault to share with each other and the world.  Consequently, we have decided to create a list of blogs supporting and/or run by survivors.  You can see the list on the left side of this blog.  We hope you find this list both helpful, supportive, and inspiring.

If you know of an appropriate blog to be added to the list, please leave a comment with your suggestion and why.

Marshawn Lynch and Sexual Assault: Here we go again!

Yes, the media is hitting with "breaking news" this weekend about Marshawn Lynch being investigated for sexual assault and domestic violence (see AOL Sports Blog).  He is a star football player bound for the NFL (according to draft experts) and so this report is gaining national attention. 

Already, I am reading blog comments and online posts attacking the female.  You've read and heard all the stereotypical excuses before such as, "Women are always false reporting to get money or revenge."  When people engage in statements that are based on victim-blaming, ask the person, "What percentage of sexual assault cases involve a gigantic financial payout to the survivor?"  Now the person might respond with, "Do you know?"  If you don't know, be honest.  Say, "Look, you are the one making a very serious allegation against the female.  You are the one generalizing about women who report being sexually assaulted.  Not me.  Can you back it up with PROOF?  If not, how about not saying anything until you know more information?" 

We need to hold people accountable for their words.  Get people thinking. Ask this person, "Of all the women you know, do you think at least one of them was sexually assaulted in their lifetime?"  Most people will answer, "Yes."  Continue the conversation with, "How do you think it would make that survivor who you know feel to hear you degrading another survivor for coming forward?  Many, many survivors never tell anyone because they are afraid of the exact judgements you are placing on this woman."

What can you do to make a difference?  When you hear people discussing this case, move the conversation from victim-blaming to an open discussion about how prevalent sexual assault is in our world.  Talk about how society frequently reacts to news stories of sexual assaults by turning the blame on the survivor.  Give the people you are talking with resources to learn more.  One of the reasons we were honored to be involved in the Voices of Courage: Inspiration from Survivors of Sexual Assault book (www.voicesofcourage.com) is because those 12 survivors do a spectacular job of showing the various issues facing survivors today.

The Latest Podcast

Are you aware of the "Sexual Assault, Consent, & Students" podcast which is produced every 2 weeks throughout the school year?  You can learn more at www.datesafeshow.com.  The latest broadcast features an interview with the always insightful Patrick Lemmon, Executive Director of Men Can Stop Rape.  In addition, you can learn about 2 great success stories from students and community groups on the East Coast.

What is a podcast?  A podcast is an online radio show that you can take with you -- everywhere!  You can download it to any mp3 player (iPod and many others).  Or you can simply listen to it on your computer.  Each podcast of "Sexual Assault, Consent, & Students" features the following 3 segments:

1) Ask Away:  an insightful interview with a top educator, expert, and/or researcher addressing the many issues surrounding sexual assault awareness, healthy dating, respect, and communication.

2) Sharing Success:  an individual leader or organization shares their success story with you (how the idea came about, how they did it, and how you can implement the concept in your work).

3) Speak Out:  the special segment where listeners of the podcast share their personal and/or professional thoughts on hot issues.

Visit www.datesafeshow.com today to start listening!!

Passion vs Drive

What is the difference in a person being "passionate" about an issue verses being "driven"?  Many people are "passionate" and do little with the strong feelings they possess.  In some cases, their passion turns negative and consumes them (bitterness, hatred, etc...).  The "driven" are passionate individuals who are determined to get RESULTS -- to create CHANGE!!  The "driven" will do what others are not willing to even try.  They do not give up.

A great example of being driven is in today's news.  Thomas Moore, the brother of a murder victim killed in 1964, is helping to bring justice to his family -- 43 years later (read about it at www.cnn.com).  Another example is Linda from the book "Voices of Courage: Inspiration from Survivors of Sexual Assault" (www.voicesofcourage.com).  The man who raped Linda was not found.  She didn't give up.  In fact, she called the police over 16 years later -- to have Lieutenent Weaver pick up the case and FIND the rapist.  Weaver had told Linda her case had always bothered him.  He wanted to solve it before retiring in a few years.  They did!!

Are you driven?  If you work with students or in education at any level, are you willing to try and make connections with issues the rest of society has given up on?  Are you continually growing by challenging yourself with new approaches?  You've heard the cliche' "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over -- and expecting different results."  Do you step back and evaluate your own performance with an open mind to the questions, "What can I do better?" and "How do I get that done immediately?"  A great question is, "What would get me the greatest results possible?"  Now, why haven't you already done it?  What are you afraid of?  Remember the "driven" do not give up!  When faced with a challenge, they get more creative and work even harder.  They are never complacent.

What will you do to connect with your students this year?  What exercise, activity, or program will you try for the first time?  How will you take your "passion" and become driven to make a difference?

Response to Deb Drucker at the Naval Submarine Base located in CT -- based on posting "Today at the Citadel: Speaking with the Military and Military Schools"

Deb Drucker, the Sexual Assault Response Coordinator at the Naval Submarine Base located in CT, asked a very good question in her comments to this posting.  First of all, a big "Thanks" goes out to Deb for her supportive and kind words.  Her question is one of the most common inquiries educators and advocates ask me.  "How" do you make that connection, especiallly being a female talking to an audience which is 80% male and who knows you are not from a military background?

Deb, I am not from a military background and what I have found is the following:  if you get the group having fun and interacting right away, they will respect you for not "lecturing" them and will appreciate your approach.  Your non-military status will not matter. 

How do you engage them right off the bat?  State what you believe to be the biggest "barrier" to them connecting with you. Throw it right out to them.  For instance, Janet Shealy at The Citadel opens conversations with men by often saying, "I'm guessing you are thinking 'What in the world am I going to learn from some XXX year old lady?  The last thing I want to do is bore you with a lecture.  If you hate lectures, yea 'Oh Yea!!' Then lets have some fun today."  Now, she has the audience with her.  Then, she will start by asking a simple question they can all agree on -- maybe even laugh.  Once you get people laughing, you quickly tear down barriers.

Another option you have is to ask them an open-ended question which helps them start the conversation for you.  For instance, "What do you hate most about these types of programs?" or "What do you expect me to talk about?  What would you rather I talk about?  Why?"  Then, you can go into a much deeper conversation. The best part?  They gave you the material and so they feel like they are in control.  You now have them involved and taking ownership of the discussion.

Not being a female, I will not say, "I understand the battles you face, Deb."  Knowing "of" the struggles is differnent than experiencing and facing those struggles.  This clarification is important because I do think men in this line of work need to be careful of telling women how easy it is to overcome gender stereotypes by an audience.   

My best advice is to talk to females in the field such as Janet Shealy.  Notice how her first statement to the audience addresses the gender and AGE issue right off the bat.  I do not know your age and so you may not have that same concern.  When I started doing this work in college, people use to tell me, "Mike, when you are 30 years old, you are not going to be able to connect with these students."  That age mark passed almost 7 years ago and I am blessed to busier now than ever.  Why?  Just like other audience barriers, if you get them involved (especially if you get them laughing), they are not going to stop themselves and say, "Wait, I am not suppose to like this program.  After all, this person is OLD!"  They are going to have fun going "with the flow" of the presentation.

Notice how Janet did not say, "I am a woman and so I have no idea what you are going through."  Those kind of statements are disconnects.  The audience hears it and thinks, "Then why am I listening to you?"  CONNECTION, CONNECTION, CONNECTION!!

Parents and the IM black hole.

Last week while speaking at a middle school, I asked the students how often they use IM (instant messaging).  Their response astounded many of the educators.  The far majority of the students said they did use IM routinely.  When asked if they knew of IM conversations which lead to problems at school, almost every single student said, "Yes."  Students admit they type statements in IM which they would never say on the phone or in-person (including violent and/or inappropriate sexual comments).  They acknowledge getting caught up in an unhealthy IM conversation before realizing the hurt they are causing or the hurt being felt.

Logic would lead to the next question: "Are you limited as to how much you can be on IM when you are home?"  Most students shared they have no limit to using IM.  Many of these same students are given very defined guidelines for being on the telelphone or a cell phone.  While many parents focus on limiting phone time, the real damage is being done on the unmonitored computer conversations in IM or on sites such as MySpace.

What can parents do?  Set very defined guidelines for using technology to communicate (online forums such as MySpace, IM, AIM, etc...).  Ask your teengaer or preteen, "What are all the different ways students communicate using computers?"  Between last week and today, another medium for online communication could have already taken over and is now the big hit (literally it can change week to week with kids' preferences).  Please feel free to download our free articles discussing sites such as MySpace at www.canikissyou.com/resources.

In addition, you can investigate software programs which allow you to track all activity on your computer (even IM conversations).  If you are concerned about "spying" on your student's IM conversations, then tell the student you are able to monitor the computer.  No one said you should or have to be secretive.  You control who comes in through the doors of your home.  Why not keep an eye on who your kids bring into your home through your computer?  This is not an issue of distrust.  These decisions are about safety.  You may trust your child.  However, that does not stop your child from being hurt or harrassed through computer communications.

For instance, your child knows you are not going to allow illegal drugs into your home.  If your child argued, "But I'm not going to misuse those drugs.  Only my friends are", you are not likely to say, "Okay.  Then your friends can bring those drugs into our home.  After all, I know I can trust you and that is the only thing that matters."  No, illegal drugs are not okay and so you won't allow them.  In this case, you are not saying "No" to IMing.  You are simply saying you can monitor it.  If your child wants the conversations to be private, have him or her call the person on the phone.  Remember, students admit they are much less likey to say as hurtful or damaging words on the phone as they are in IMing.

Today at the Citadel: Speaking with the Military and Military Schools

Whenever people hear about a speaking engagement I have coming up at a military school or on a military base, a common response is "That must be a tough audience."  Why?  Why should those males and females be any tougher to connect with than a group of college students?  They are the same age.  They have goals to succeed in life.  Just like at any school, the far majority want to "do the right thing" in living their lives.

Today, I spoke at The Citadel.  The cadets were great -- extremely attentive and very responsive.  Afterward, several cadets came up and shared with me.  As I am with all audiences, I was honored to hear their personal stories (friends, family, etc...).   Some discussed wanting to get more involved with these issues at their school.  Along with the cadets, staff and faculty were supportive throughout the entire process of bringing me to their school.

A stereotype I found disheartening and to be false is, "Getting through to the military must be tough."  When you enter a room with a predisposed attitude about your audience, you are dooming your own results.  Awfully ironic.  You end up being the one with the attitude (because you are convinced or scared your audience isn't going to listen).  Consequently, you don't bring the same "fun" or "positive" approach you normally possess.  In doing so, the audience gets a much less inspiring experience from you.  What happens?  You fail and then tell yourself, "I knew that group was going to be rough."  The group wasn't rough.  You were -- in your approach and beliefs.

When I was in high school, I had a particularly bad cross country race.  Afterward, my parents said, "We knew you were going to run poorly.  You had convinced yourself before the race started.  You were focused on how bad the course was, how cold it was, etc..."  My parents were right.  They said, "Whether you think you are going to win or lose, you will always be right."  I never forgot that lesson and have seen it come true over and over again.

Next time you have a presentation, are you going to have a "winning" experience?  Of course you will.  After all, you know the majority of each audience is good people who want to do the right thing!

Making the Grade with Ms. Doubt Ya: Convincing the Inconvincible

Have you ever thought, “We could never get this to happen in our school or community.  We just don’t have the support.  We just wouldn’t be able to convince the ‘powers that be’ to do this programming with our students”?

Since speaking in Oregon last week, my e-mail box has been blessed with writings from students, community members, parents, educators, and administrators.  One particular e-mail both inspired me and made me laugh. “H”, a wonderful woman in Oregon who I met last Wednesday, was e-mailing me this weekend about the response she was hearing in the community (from my presentations in 3 local high schools).  In her e-mail, she shared,

“She said you even made the grade with Ms. Doubt Ya (not the real name) -- I won't even bother to explain -- but you could make that a title of a book on how to convince the inconvincible!”

H, I didn’t convince the inconvincible.  You did!  You and your many associates & teammates in the Grant’s Pass region of Oregon (from Linda to Brett to Joann to Dennis to your entire Board) did what it took to succeed.  Convincing the inconvincible relies on one sole factor:  at least one person having the courage to stand up against the inconvincible to say, “We are going to do this.”  Someone having enough conviction in the possibility for positive community change to go against what the inconvincible thought. 

All the students who have been thanking me actually owe all of you a huge “Thank you.”  I would have not have had the honor to talk with them if many others (such as yourselves) had not talked to everyone they could to help bring the program to your community.

Even more impressive was the element of teamwork you and your fellow community leaders showed.  While we frequently have faith-based institutions and organizations such as Planned Parenthood help sponsor my program, rarely do we get to see them co-sponsor the event together.  You simply didn’t give up.  When a local theatre wasn’t willing to help you, you went to a local religious leader who provided you a fantastic venue and his personal support.  He even came out under bad weather conditions to show his support.

Then there was another person key to being able to “Convince the Inconvincible” – a student at a nearby high school.  The origin of this trip is an individual high school student.  She saw the “Can I Kiss You?” program at a conference in Portland during November of 2005.  Afterwards, she was determined to have the presentation given in her nearby high schools.  She immediately started asking what it would take to have me fly out to her town.  We told her.  A fair amount of times when a student makes this inquiry, you don’t hear back from the student.  Not this student.  She went to her Mom and many others to make her goal a reality for over 1000 students this past Thursday.  Why?  Because she was determined to “Convince the Inconvincible.”

Next time you think, “We can’t get this program or plan to workout”, stop and ask yourself, “Why not?”  H and all her friends did!  “After all, who is the inconvincible?  You or the peoples’ views you fear?”

P.S.  Today, I am thrilled to call H and the many people of Oregon my friends.

Drugs. Alcohol -- Why not Intimacy?

Today, I was speaking at 3 high schools in the surrouding communities of Grant's Pass, Oregon.  After one of my presentations, a student came up and said, "You know we hear all about drugs, meth, and drunk driving, but we never hear messages like this one.  Why not?  Why don't our schools address these issues more often?  After all, these are the issues that effect more of us than any other problem." 

She was asking a great question. Think about how right she is.  More students in her high school are going to be intimate with someone (at some point in their life) than will ever try drugs.  Her school will have students who choose never to drink (ever).  Yet, during the course of their lifetime, just about every one of those students will choose to be intimate with another person.

We must get more conversations in schools about healthy relationships, sexuality, intimacy, and ending sexual violence.  Most importantly, we need to give students the proper tools to handle sexual situations.  Just saying, "Do the right thing. Respect your partner" doesn't mean much to students.  Why?  If they don't know "how" to "do the right thing", how can they?  Schools teach students how to say "No" to drugs.  Now, lets teach those same students how to always respect themselves and their partners with regards to engaging in intimacy -- "asking first."  Schools teach students how to help a friend who's life has been effected by drugs.  Now, lets teach those same students how to support a friend or family member how is a survivor of sexual assault.

The good news?  Some schools are taking very active roles in providing their students these conversations.  For example, all 3 principals today were extremely supportive of the message getting to their students.  They are already discussing how to follow-up and keep these lessons at the forefront of their students' lives.  As I told the student who approached me today, "The good news is that your school IS DOING SOMETHING.  You are thanking me for being here and sharing this message.  I wouldn't be here without your principal and all of the support of the local community."  The question is how will we she take charge and help keep the message alive amongst her peers?  Based on her enthusiasm and energy, I am confident she will make a huge impact.  For her efforts, many people's live will be positively changed.

What conversations are you helping to bring to your community?

In 2007, Teach or Learn?

Each new year brings us the opportunity to learn and to teach.  What are you doing today to make 2007 special?  Imagine you just heard your computer tell you that a new e-mail message was received.  The e-mail is from someone you know well and asks you, "What project are you excited about this year?  What is your #1 goal for creating positive change in your life and in the life of the people around you?"  What would you e-mail back?  You can do it right now. Stop reading.  Write down your responses.  The e-mail also included 2 more questions.  "What are you doing to challenge yourself and learn?  How are you going to help teach others?"  Go ahead and answer.  If you want, e-mail me your answers to us at The Date Safe Project at info@thedatesafeproject.org.  

Once you tell someone a goal or objective, you are more likely to start accomplishing it!  Of course I am not going to ask you to share with me and then not share objectives we are working on.  Once you read our goals, hold me accountable.  For 2007, I am going to do the following:

1. Keep this blog up-to-date (at least 3 entries per week).  As you can see, this site is a new version for us.  You can still read all of the old postings to this blog.  Scroll down and you will find all of them or look in the "Archives" in the right-hand column.

2. Create a regularly scheduled release date for our podcast -- "Sexual Assault, Consent, & Our Students" which means you will know exactly when the next broadcast will be available. In 2006, we ran the "test pilots" of the podcast and your feedback has inspired to make the podcast a regular production.  To get things started, you will be able to hear the first podcast in 2007 on Monday, January 29th.  This is going to be a great show featuring the Executive Director from Men Can Stop Rape.  During that podcast, we will announce how often our podcasts will be broadcast and when (every 2 weeks or once per month, etc...).  If you download the podcast from www.datesafeshow.com, you will automatically get each broadcast as soon as it is available -- including the first one for 2007!!

3.  Produce a new educational product.  In 2006, we released the "Do You Ask?" poster series which continues to be purchased for schools, community organizations, and groups throughout North America (www.doyouask.org).  From designers to educators to experts around the country, many people helped create the final results.  Much thanks goes to each of them.

What am I going to learn?  I have purchased several audio books I am looking forward to listening to on my travels to schools and campuses.  With technology, audio books are easy to listen to while on long drives.  They get you thinking which helps your time in the car go by quickly (just don't try to write "notes" while you drive). 

Books can vary from personal skills to helping you or be very specific to the societal issues we address in our work.  Here is an example of a personal skill I recently learned in an audio book: Ron White teaches memory.  Before listening to a 45 minute audio file of Ron, I never knew how much a person can improve their memory skills.  This past Thursday night, I had a 80 minute drive from St. John's University in St. Joseph, MN to my hotel near the Minneapolis aiport.  In less than 45 minutes driving time, Ron's audio file taught me how to easily remember any list of up to 20 items.  The surprising part was how easy the "system" is.  You don't even have to be creative.  Think of all the ways a better memory can help, especially with names.  Plus, Ron can teach speed reading.  Read more of those books you've been waiting to discover.  If you are wondering, I don't know Ron and have never met him in-person.  His educational materials are just so good that I want to tell you about them.  Check it out for yourself at: www.memoryinamonth.com 

Our society has lots of work ahead to address healthy dating, relationships, respect, communication, sexual assault awareness, sexual/dating violence, supporting survivors, and choosing the most powerful ways to address these issues in schools, religious institutions, homes, communities and in the media.  What role do you accept on this journey?  Please decide now. More importantly, commit now!